The No Bird Zone

I have a real love-hate relationship of birds. Well, actually, I don’t. Because I don’t like birds. But what is really strange, is that I love the sound of birds chirping outside at the first sign of nice weather on the horizon, and I love the sound of birds in the morning when it’s warm enough to sleep with my window open. Right now, there are birds chirping outside, and it makes me smile…but I do cognitively know that I really don’t like the sound of birds in other situations.

Actually, I can’t stand the sound of birds in other instances. I will write one of my infamous lists. Then I can be like my sister-in-law Staci who has an extensive No-Food list, but mine can be my No Birds list.

Instances of where bird sounds should never be:

Inside a house.
I think that this kind of traces back to my grandmother taking us to some lady’s house in La Colonia where there was tourquoise carpeting, plastic runners and the smell of fried liver and pork. It was after church service at Our Lady of Guadalupe, and I remember feeling like I had been abandoned in a tourquoise-carpeted house with plastic runners and the sound of birds chirping driving me to the brink of insanity on a hot sunday morning in La Colonia. And we went on numerous occassions. Yuck. I don’t like the sound of birds indoors.

On music tracks.
On occassion, I listen to the New Age Spa channel on Sirius. When a song comes on that is supposed to trigger relaxation, and I hear birds chirping, I instantly freeze up thinking that perhaps there is a bird in my car. Now, I realize that the chance of a bird being in my car is rather slim, but I’m talking about that “OMFG THERE IS A FUCKING BIRD IN MY CAR WTF DO I DO” feeling that comes and is gone instantly within a moment, but still, I really hate that feeling and don’t wish to ever experience it. Bird sounds should not be on music tracks.

On TV
Ok, now if the show actually has a bird in it, and the bird is making noise, then I suppose the bird can make noise. Recently I was watching Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations in Sri Lanka. Have you seen it?? There really was no need to have the excessive amount of graphic enhanced crows during the transitions to commercial break. I really don’t appreciate it. Bird graphics with excessive bird sounds should not be on tv.

In a Spa
I recently went and got a facial at a local spa. The esthetician wrapped me up, and when it was time for the mask, she left me alone for a few minutes to let the mask work. Coincidentally, at that moment, the timer had one of those spa-sound things that has either crickets, water sounds or…bird sounds. Yes. Digital bird sound. I wanted to cry. You can guess that she had by default selected the bird sounds. Digital bird sounds should not be in a spa.

Birds are the devil’s shitty little messengers.

Filed under: Dear Diary , birds are evil, blackbirds, crows, no crows